Ya feel me?

I am going to apologize ahead of time for the downtrodden and longish nature of this post. If you are looking for a spiritual pick me up or a really good laugh, maybe stop reading....like now. I do not have this for you. But on the off chance that somebody reading this might enjoy a little commiseration or someone else to say, "yeah I'm not ok today....but I think it's ok," I'm gonna go ahead and post my bad attitude all over the interwebs. Totally for your benefit. God help us, and you're welcome. :)

I realized today, again, that I have no idea what I'm doing. Or how to do it. I have these three amazingly crazy little people running around my house, almost literally non-stop, and more often than not all I can think about is how I should be doing this differently. Like, I should be doing more of this. Or at least less of that. I'm so scared that 20 years from now I'm going to wake up with all of these thoughts and ideas about how I could have been such a better mom. But then it will be too late.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think we're doing any kind of irreparable damage to the tiny ones in our hands (please God don't let me be doing any irreparable damage to the tiny ones in my hands). But are we being the best parents we can be? Am I being the best mom I can be?

What's scary is I think I am.....and in no way, shape, or form does it feel like enough.

I should spend more time with Jesus. My house should be cleaner. Our kids should watch less tv. I should yell less. We should discipline more effectively. Maybe we're spanking too much.....or not enough. I should be more hands on. I should let them learn how to entertain themselves more. I should be more diligent and structured and intentional about my time with them. I should let them have more free time and self-guided play.

This feels like a life full of paradoxes. How do all of these things happen at once? How do we know what's worthwhile and what's not? We've never done this before. And those who have done it before will swear by 500 different "right" ways to do it. Blah, it makes my head hurt.

Shameful confession: Thinking about all of this makes me want to curl up into a ball under the covers and sleep until winter is over. Or at least until someone can give me all the answers. Also, this might be because I just want to sleep, in general. I think I have about two years to catch up on. But that is neither here nor there.

The point is, it's getting hard.

I didn't always feel like this, you know. We've had our ups and downs figuring out how to be parents, but overall I'd say we've had a pretty optimistic approach to the whole thing. I've been nervous about the unknown here and there, but we've always figured it out and moved on to the next thing.

 Like when Rowan came home from the hospital wanting to nurse for an hour and a half about every 20 minutes. Did we know that was strange? No, he was the first baby and what the heck did I know about nursing? But a week later it was under control. We discovered that pacifiers are a gift from God and babies sometimes need to wait for their dinner. Cool. Bring on the next challenge.

Or how about the time when we couldn't figure out why he wasn't sleeping through the night anymore. Every night for weeks we would wake up and rock him for what seemed like hours thinking THE WHOLE TIME, "I thought we were done doing this, why won't you just sleep? I'm not gonna be able to do this when baby #2 gets here!" And then his teeth came in and he started sleeping better and we looked back and realized we should have just been patient. Boom, challenge over. Give me something else!

But two more babies in two years later, I feel like I'm running out of steam. My body is tired, my brain is tired, and my spirit is tired. Oh, and did I mention my house is a disaster? Challenges seem more...well, challenging.

I know that what we are doing is worthwhile. I know that our children are a blessing. I know this so much that we will be ECSTATIC if and when we find out that baby #4 is on the way (I said IF and WHEN mom, calm down).

But this doesn't change the fact that it is still hard. I am still struggling on a daily basis. Struggling with my attitude, struggling to find grace - for others and myself - and struggling to be ok with struggling. So much is at stake - I don't want to screw it up!

I have no answers. So aside from 100% using this post to vent my concerns and frustrations so I can move on with my day on a more pleasant note, I just want to tell somebody, it's ok if you're not ok. It's ok that you don't have it figured out. It's ok that you are making mistakes and sometimes don't apologize for them or even tell anyone. It's ok because life is more than today.

I know that I am being made new every day. I know that God is faithful. I know that He is in control and all things work together for good for those who love Him. I know that this world is temporary and what matters most is the eternal. I know that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I know that as I fallibly and inconsistently follow Him, my heart's desire is for Him. And I know that He is creating me to be exactly who He designed me to be, and EXACTLY the kind of mom that He wanted my children to have.

So I will continue to ask Him for help, to ask for forgiveness, and to ask for the discernment to KNOW when I need to ask for forgiveness. But mostly I will continue to trust that the person He is creating in me is so much better than the person who I actually am. Thank God.....literally.

If you made it this far, maybe you can relate. But mostly, thanks for letting me get that out. I really needed to hear it. :)

Ode to Sleep

Whoever said "Sleep is overrated" was obviously sleeping too much.

We do not have that problem.

If I could, I would change that quote to, "Sleep is that thing that I used to get a long, long time ago." or "One time I slept. And then I had babies."

Sleep feels like a long lost friend that doesn't really feel comfortable hanging out with me anymore. I wish I could entice sleep to spend a little more time at our house, but our lives have just gone in such different directions. It's obvious he doesn't fit in here anymore.

If I knew what sleep liked, I would shower him with gifts. I would bake. I would sing. I would dance on my head. I would do just about anything for sleep.

As far as I can tell, the feeling is not mutual.

I hate to say it, but I think my kids are part of the problem. They really don't seem to like sleep. Multiple times a day we talk about how wonderful sleep is. How much Mommy really REEEEAAALLLYY loves sleep.

But it doesn't seem to make much difference. I mean, I suppose I can't really blame sleep for not sticking around where he's obviously not wanted.

I just wish he would try a little harder.

What's exasperating is how untrustworthy sleep can be! I frequently go to bed with the hope and promise of deep and restful sleep. But so often I am disappointed. Yesterday started at 2 am; we didn't sit down again until 10pm. Where was sleep then? You understand my frustration.

I suppose this is the season of life we are in. A season of sleeplessness. And somehow, we are functioning without sleep. Although I do look forward to the day when he finds his way back to our home.

Until then, we will make due with naps. Naps, as you know is a close relative of sleep. While he's not nearly as deep or engaging, naps has given us a few blissful hours here and there. The children still don't seem to care for him, but Mommy has made naps non-negotiable. And although naps often has us tip-toeing around the house and fighting the urge to shoot the dog next door, we consider him a friend and a close second to sleep.

Sleep, you are loved and missed dearly. You, my friend, are anything but overrated.

Back on the Wagon

How does one return from a self-imposed blogging hiatus? I should say something snappy. Something catchy and quirky that you will remember.

I got nothin.

But I do have these.

At the zoo for Rowan's second birthday

This is a pretty good depiction of their personalities in general :)

Birthday girl turning one and celebrating with cake

Just a few days before the arrival of Baby Joey

Joseph Dane DeLuca

March 31, 2013

Easter Sunday

Rowan with his great-great Grandma Dody

This happened

This may seem like a strange picture to post, but I swear to you my dad makes this EXACT same face

She finished her chocolate milk and realized there was no more. I can relate.

Trying to get a good picture of all three of them lying down. Not possible.

So there's the last 6 months in a nut shell. 

You're welcome Mom and Kathye :)

p.s. The rest of you are welcome for filtering out Rowan's 190 selfies from this summer. 

1 9 0. 

Two Kids and Counting

Yes, we will have three kids under the age of three.

Yes, they will all be 12 mo. apart.

Yes, they will all potentially have birthdays in March.

Yes, March will be an expensive month.

Oh, and yes, we do know what's causing this.

Ok, I think that pretty much covers the most frequently asked questions.

God has blessed us with another soon-to-be DeLuca baby. A sweet little boy who is set to make his open-air debut on March 31 (although secretly I'm hoping for April...you know, change of pace and all that).

We're super excited.... and a little nervous. Well, I'm a little nervous. Hello people, three kids under three. That means three kids potentially in diapers, three little people running around my house with limited verbal and physical abilities (aka lots of screaming and falling into things). In the last two days alone, Rowan has run directly into a folding table, eye first, fallen off the dining room table, gotten stuck in the bottom half of an exersaucer, and Emma has fallen on her head at least seven times - usually because Rowan pushes her over as he's running past. I can't help but think of cow tipping. Don't judge. Anyway, the result of all of this being multiple mommy heart attacks. Now add one more. Eek!

All of this to say we are excited and nervous and very thankful. More than ever we have the opportunity to completely rely on God for strength, endurance, and patience (oh do we need patience), among other things. I'm thankful to be directly in the center of His will and 100% counting on for my sanity anticipating His full provision. With God's grace baby #3 will be coming home to a pair of blissfully exhausted parents, an adoring sister and a brother who has lost interest in drive-by baby tipping.

A day of rest

Saturdays are very much our day of rest. Because most of our week is chock full of football, Bible studies, cleaning, staff meetings, hanging out with friends and work, John and I try to reserve at least Saturdays for just hanging out together and doing whatever the heck we want. It's my favorite day of the week :)

But to say it's our day of rest is maybe a little misleading. We definitely rest at points....primarily when Rowan's conked out. But for the most part, we end up doing what we love to do....go! No two weekends are the same so every Saturday looks different. But they all tend to have the same feel

Wake up
Feed Rowan
Hang out with Rowan (maybe take a walk?)
Put Rowan down for a nap
Call of Duty/blog reading - you can probably guess who is doing what
Feed Rowan lunch
Go somewhere fun (fun for us...i.e. anywhere outside our home)
Bring Rowan back home for a nap
Throw in some P90x and mommy/daddy hang out time :)
Feed Rowan a snack
Go back out and do something fun
Eat dinner
Watch a movie or one of our favorite tv shows
Hit the hay

And there you have it....a typical Saturday in the life of the DeLuca's. Notice there is no cleaning involved...this is my favorite part. It's not much to write home about, but again, my favorite day of the week.

Yesterday, our big outing was the Home & Garden Expo in the Superdome. 

While we could pretend to be all cool and HGTVish let's be real and just say up front that we paid $9 each to stand on the floor of the Superdome. Well worth it.

However, I did score a pretty nifty cookbook from the Junior League of New Orleans 

They have some really neat southern/new orleans' cuisine inspired cookbooks. This is the next one on my list to get. And I got a sweet new vegetable peeler.

I was a little perturbed at how excited I was about the veggie peeler...but seriously it's AWESOME!! Easiest peeling experience of my life, plus the blade is made out of that crazy tungsten metal. And it's Swiss so....

My favorite part of the day, though. really centered around the food....as usual.

John had a delicious pulled pork sandwich (don't tell Tony!)

and I stuffed myself with this mouth-watering bowl of red beans and rice. It wasn't Monday, the typical red beans and rice day in New Orleans, but pregnant ladies get to eat what they want, when they want. I'm pretty sure this is an actual law. Like a physics law or something. It probably originated with Newton.

Rowan tried the red beans, liked it at first, then threw the spoon back at me when he decided it was time for Cheerios instead. We're really rockin n rollin on the manners thing. What am I going to do with two?!

John's first blog post

Ashley has encouraged me to write a blog post, probably before she even started the blog, so alas I will comply. 

Reasons why I am complying:

1. In an effort to be a good husband, I should put forth the effort to help make my wife smile.
2. Ashley is 2 weeks away from our second child’s due date. 
3. I have never written a blog post, so when in Rome... I don’t know if that applies here.
4. She has been extremely helpful with P90X stuff and I probably owe her a few posts at this point.
5. I love Ashley!

On with the post... so what to talk about. I feel like as a guy I should talk about the latest sports news, or maybe some work out routine; however, I believe the majority of people who will actually read this post have little interest in these subjects. If I have offended anyone, I apologize. Let’s talk about Rowan. I feel like he is the most interesting part of my life right now, and Ashley posts a lot about him. So let’s put a man’s perspective to this thing we call parenting. 

I work a lot and am often left missing my wife and son. I spend a good amount of time at work some days thinking about how I would like to be home playing with Rowan or taking him on a walk. I feel like these ‘daydreaming’ sessions are always a little unrealistic. 

DayDream: Rowan is always right on the same page with what I want to do. We roll the ball back and forth multiple times; he sits patiently while I read him a book; we go for a walk and Rowan points and yells at different things; he laughs and I never seem to have to change a diaper. 

Reality: I get home from work most days rather tired and try to play with Rowan; but many days I fail and Rowan for some reason never wants to play the game I want to play. Last night Rowan woke up around 11:30 pm - a few hours after bedtime. I made the attempt to go in his room, calm him down and put him back to bed. As Rowan has become extremely attached to his mother (which, to be honest, I can’t blame him), he relies on her comfort to calm down. I went in to put Rowan to sleep and the crying/screaming only got worse. I don’t think I calmed him down one bit, but instead I worked him up a little more (close to a frenzy). Long story short, I failed big time. I went back to the bedroom defeated and sent in the heavy artillery. I could hear the calming effect as Ashley walked in his bedroom. Three seconds later, silence. Rowan is falling to sleep in Ashley’s arms and everything is at peace again. She lays him back down he makes a little fuss and then we are all sound asleep for the night (well Ashley is super pregnant, so she may not be sleeping soundly, but from my perspective it was quite sound sleep). 

Now to my favorite part: Tonight! Sooo tonight we had a monthly group meeting for Cru/Impact. The house was full of people and we were enjoying some fellowship, Jesus, and fun. Ashley put Rowan to sleep about half way through the shindig. However, about an hour later Rowan was crying and screaming (we might not have been very quiet). So  I figured why not try another attempt at calming my son. Ashley was busy talking about prayer and its importance, so I had no back-up. I walked in thinking this may be a feeble attempt and feeling a little defeated already, but hey what’s a guy to do but try.

I slipped in the room and reached for my son who was already standing in his crib. I calmly placed him on my shoulder and the crying continued. But this time instead of increasing it seemed to be tapering off. After a brief minute, Rowan was not crying but instead laying his head on my shoulder, first on the right, then the left, then the right, then the left (it made me think of myself trying to fall asleep). And then the moment came when everything in his body seemed to relax and he was asleep ("SUCCESS!!!" is what screamed in my head, but silence on the outside). I layed my son back in his bed after reveling in the moment for a good 10 minutes and with a smooth rub on his back he barely made a peep. I tiptoed out of the room to join back in the festivities. 

I think God blesses us with these little moments when we need them most. With Rowan depending on mom so much and a new baby on the way that will literally depend on Ashley for sustenance, at times it seems like the “dad role” is not as important. I know that providing for my family is a huge blessing from God, not just for the opportunity, but also just having a good job. I can’t thank and praise God enough for those things. He truly is the great provider. I will say though that when God gives me the chance to help put Rowan to sleep and calm him down, when God helps my work daydreams come true, those are the little moments when I feel most blessed to be a father and get a little picture of how our Father holds us in His hands and calms us.

“big gulps ehh.... welp see you later”

Goodnight doubloons and Mardis Gras things

Mardis Gras has come and gone and we're moving on to bigger and better things...like adding curtains and babies to our house. But Mardis Gras was a big deal for at least one member of our household. This year was obviously Rowan's first carnival season, and we wanted him to experience it in style. While we didn't have time to put together one of these babies for him

(although it is my dream to have a double ladder seat for our two babies next year), we did however find a special seat for him.

Well, technically my parents found it for John for Christmas. It was originally intended as a hiking accessory for our trip to the Smoky Mountains this summer, but we figured Mardis Gras was an equally worthy occasion to bust it out. Rowan LOVED it! However, the people standing behind us at the Muses parade were not as big of fans. So we lost it for the Thoth parade and decided to go au natural

and just tote him around on our hips. John did his best to teach him the proper bead acquiring techniques.

And he was successful at it for the most part. Rowan caught his first ever bead all by himself! 

Well, actually it hit him in the face and then fell into his hand, but I'm counting it! Please don't mind my slightly scary and disheveled look going on in this picture. I'm blaming it on being 8 mo. preggers. 

He really loved the beads

But definitely preferred the stuffed animals. Which we got a TON of. Well, compared to last year when we were babyless. Apparently John and I don't scream "throw me a stuffed toy" as much as our one year old. I'm ok with that.

All in all, I think it was a successful carnival season; which means we got some good beads, ate some good king cake, and hung out with some good friends. 

Next year on the Mardis Gras to do list......parade ladder, DIY tshirt, vest, and bowtie for Rowan, DIY tutu....not for Rowan. Favorite thing about Mardis Gras this year....post carnival sales at Sam's. 

Hello $3 platters

And hello my beautiful $5 wreath

Too bad they are all going straight into storage for the rest of this year. But NEXT year...oh the places they will go! :)