Ya feel me?

I am going to apologize ahead of time for the downtrodden and longish nature of this post. If you are looking for a spiritual pick me up or a really good laugh, maybe stop reading....like now. I do not have this for you. But on the off chance that somebody reading this might enjoy a little commiseration or someone else to say, "yeah I'm not ok today....but I think it's ok," I'm gonna go ahead and post my bad attitude all over the interwebs. Totally for your benefit. God help us, and you're welcome. :)

I realized today, again, that I have no idea what I'm doing. Or how to do it. I have these three amazingly crazy little people running around my house, almost literally non-stop, and more often than not all I can think about is how I should be doing this differently. Like, I should be doing more of this. Or at least less of that. I'm so scared that 20 years from now I'm going to wake up with all of these thoughts and ideas about how I could have been such a better mom. But then it will be too late.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think we're doing any kind of irreparable damage to the tiny ones in our hands (please God don't let me be doing any irreparable damage to the tiny ones in my hands). But are we being the best parents we can be? Am I being the best mom I can be?

What's scary is I think I am.....and in no way, shape, or form does it feel like enough.

I should spend more time with Jesus. My house should be cleaner. Our kids should watch less tv. I should yell less. We should discipline more effectively. Maybe we're spanking too much.....or not enough. I should be more hands on. I should let them learn how to entertain themselves more. I should be more diligent and structured and intentional about my time with them. I should let them have more free time and self-guided play.

This feels like a life full of paradoxes. How do all of these things happen at once? How do we know what's worthwhile and what's not? We've never done this before. And those who have done it before will swear by 500 different "right" ways to do it. Blah, it makes my head hurt.

Shameful confession: Thinking about all of this makes me want to curl up into a ball under the covers and sleep until winter is over. Or at least until someone can give me all the answers. Also, this might be because I just want to sleep, in general. I think I have about two years to catch up on. But that is neither here nor there.

The point is, it's getting hard.

I didn't always feel like this, you know. We've had our ups and downs figuring out how to be parents, but overall I'd say we've had a pretty optimistic approach to the whole thing. I've been nervous about the unknown here and there, but we've always figured it out and moved on to the next thing.

 Like when Rowan came home from the hospital wanting to nurse for an hour and a half about every 20 minutes. Did we know that was strange? No, he was the first baby and what the heck did I know about nursing? But a week later it was under control. We discovered that pacifiers are a gift from God and babies sometimes need to wait for their dinner. Cool. Bring on the next challenge.

Or how about the time when we couldn't figure out why he wasn't sleeping through the night anymore. Every night for weeks we would wake up and rock him for what seemed like hours thinking THE WHOLE TIME, "I thought we were done doing this, why won't you just sleep? I'm not gonna be able to do this when baby #2 gets here!" And then his teeth came in and he started sleeping better and we looked back and realized we should have just been patient. Boom, challenge over. Give me something else!

But two more babies in two years later, I feel like I'm running out of steam. My body is tired, my brain is tired, and my spirit is tired. Oh, and did I mention my house is a disaster? Challenges seem more...well, challenging.

I know that what we are doing is worthwhile. I know that our children are a blessing. I know this so much that we will be ECSTATIC if and when we find out that baby #4 is on the way (I said IF and WHEN mom, calm down).

But this doesn't change the fact that it is still hard. I am still struggling on a daily basis. Struggling with my attitude, struggling to find grace - for others and myself - and struggling to be ok with struggling. So much is at stake - I don't want to screw it up!

I have no answers. So aside from 100% using this post to vent my concerns and frustrations so I can move on with my day on a more pleasant note, I just want to tell somebody, it's ok if you're not ok. It's ok that you don't have it figured out. It's ok that you are making mistakes and sometimes don't apologize for them or even tell anyone. It's ok because life is more than today.

I know that I am being made new every day. I know that God is faithful. I know that He is in control and all things work together for good for those who love Him. I know that this world is temporary and what matters most is the eternal. I know that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I know that as I fallibly and inconsistently follow Him, my heart's desire is for Him. And I know that He is creating me to be exactly who He designed me to be, and EXACTLY the kind of mom that He wanted my children to have.

So I will continue to ask Him for help, to ask for forgiveness, and to ask for the discernment to KNOW when I need to ask for forgiveness. But mostly I will continue to trust that the person He is creating in me is so much better than the person who I actually am. Thank God.....literally.

If you made it this far, maybe you can relate. But mostly, thanks for letting me get that out. I really needed to hear it. :)

Blessings...

Delayed gratification. Iced coffee tastes a little bit sweeter when it's been waiting for you in the refrigerator for a day and a half. Thank you, Lord.

A quiet house is like salve to the soul. And it's a little bit salvier (I understand this is a made up word) after hours of crying - usually babies', sometimes yours. Thank you, Lord.

The fellowship of women feels a little more like coming home when it has been sorely missed. Thank you, Lord.

Meeting someone who is thriving in the same life stage as you is like being thrown a life preserver. Thank you, Lord.

Challenging words are more riveting in the midst of complacency. Thank you, Lord.

A desperate heart is easier to mold. Thank you, Lord.

Thank you Father for what you are doing in my life, in the lives of my children, and in this crazy city that we live in. Thank you for being always present, even when we think you're not. And thank you for loving us, even on our ugliest days. Thank you for the blessing of your Word and for the assurance of Your gift of salvation. Thank you for friends, for family, for husbands, and thank you for your constant provision in every aspect of my life. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for knowing this in spite of me.

Thank you for this stage of life and I pray you would use it to Your glory.

John's first blog post

Ashley has encouraged me to write a blog post, probably before she even started the blog, so alas I will comply. 

Reasons why I am complying:

1. In an effort to be a good husband, I should put forth the effort to help make my wife smile.
2. Ashley is 2 weeks away from our second child’s due date. 
3. I have never written a blog post, so when in Rome... I don’t know if that applies here.
4. She has been extremely helpful with P90X stuff and I probably owe her a few posts at this point.
5. I love Ashley!

On with the post... so what to talk about. I feel like as a guy I should talk about the latest sports news, or maybe some work out routine; however, I believe the majority of people who will actually read this post have little interest in these subjects. If I have offended anyone, I apologize. Let’s talk about Rowan. I feel like he is the most interesting part of my life right now, and Ashley posts a lot about him. So let’s put a man’s perspective to this thing we call parenting. 

I work a lot and am often left missing my wife and son. I spend a good amount of time at work some days thinking about how I would like to be home playing with Rowan or taking him on a walk. I feel like these ‘daydreaming’ sessions are always a little unrealistic. 

DayDream: Rowan is always right on the same page with what I want to do. We roll the ball back and forth multiple times; he sits patiently while I read him a book; we go for a walk and Rowan points and yells at different things; he laughs and I never seem to have to change a diaper. 

Reality: I get home from work most days rather tired and try to play with Rowan; but many days I fail and Rowan for some reason never wants to play the game I want to play. Last night Rowan woke up around 11:30 pm - a few hours after bedtime. I made the attempt to go in his room, calm him down and put him back to bed. As Rowan has become extremely attached to his mother (which, to be honest, I can’t blame him), he relies on her comfort to calm down. I went in to put Rowan to sleep and the crying/screaming only got worse. I don’t think I calmed him down one bit, but instead I worked him up a little more (close to a frenzy). Long story short, I failed big time. I went back to the bedroom defeated and sent in the heavy artillery. I could hear the calming effect as Ashley walked in his bedroom. Three seconds later, silence. Rowan is falling to sleep in Ashley’s arms and everything is at peace again. She lays him back down he makes a little fuss and then we are all sound asleep for the night (well Ashley is super pregnant, so she may not be sleeping soundly, but from my perspective it was quite sound sleep). 

Now to my favorite part: Tonight! Sooo tonight we had a monthly group meeting for Cru/Impact. The house was full of people and we were enjoying some fellowship, Jesus, and fun. Ashley put Rowan to sleep about half way through the shindig. However, about an hour later Rowan was crying and screaming (we might not have been very quiet). So  I figured why not try another attempt at calming my son. Ashley was busy talking about prayer and its importance, so I had no back-up. I walked in thinking this may be a feeble attempt and feeling a little defeated already, but hey what’s a guy to do but try.

I slipped in the room and reached for my son who was already standing in his crib. I calmly placed him on my shoulder and the crying continued. But this time instead of increasing it seemed to be tapering off. After a brief minute, Rowan was not crying but instead laying his head on my shoulder, first on the right, then the left, then the right, then the left (it made me think of myself trying to fall asleep). And then the moment came when everything in his body seemed to relax and he was asleep ("SUCCESS!!!" is what screamed in my head, but silence on the outside). I layed my son back in his bed after reveling in the moment for a good 10 minutes and with a smooth rub on his back he barely made a peep. I tiptoed out of the room to join back in the festivities. 

I think God blesses us with these little moments when we need them most. With Rowan depending on mom so much and a new baby on the way that will literally depend on Ashley for sustenance, at times it seems like the “dad role” is not as important. I know that providing for my family is a huge blessing from God, not just for the opportunity, but also just having a good job. I can’t thank and praise God enough for those things. He truly is the great provider. I will say though that when God gives me the chance to help put Rowan to sleep and calm him down, when God helps my work daydreams come true, those are the little moments when I feel most blessed to be a father and get a little picture of how our Father holds us in His hands and calms us.

“big gulps ehh.... welp see you later”

A thought and a prayer.

It's Rowan's nap time, but before I take my giant belly on over to the couch for a much-needed nap, I wanted to post something that I was thinking about yesterday.

Yesterday was a bad day. Plain and simple. One of those really cruddy days where you have a ton of stuff to do but no time to do it and all you want is a nap; or you have a billion things that need to be printed and your printer breaks in 5 different ways (including telling you it has a broken pipe....what the heck does that even mean?? Who put a pipe in my printer?); or no matter how hard you try to keep him entertained, a certain little man is not satisfied unless you are either sitting on the floor with him or holding him; unless you want to change his diaper then he kicks you and tries to crawl away. It's especially epic when all of these things are happening at once. You know...."those days." Regardless of what form they take on for you, you all know what kind of days I'm talking about.

Yesterday was my day. John came home and tried to rescue me by picking up after hurricane Rowan, and I ran out of the house crying all the way to Bible study. This I blame on our second child wreaking havoc on my emotions before she has even made her oxygenated debut.

We had gotten a babysitter until 8:30 last night so that I could go to Bible study and John could go to his flag football game. Needless to say, when Bible study ended at 7:30 I took it as a free gift from God to go spend some much-needed time with Him. So, off to PJ's coffee I went. And here is what came to me when I got there.

It is very difficult for me to get time with God at home. I don't just mean open-my-Bible-and-read-a-few-verses time. That I can manage. I mean sit down, focus my mind on enjoying Him, pour out my heart and really listen time. Even if I wait for Rowan's naps, I can't stop my mind from going to all the things that need to be done around the house. Something needs to be cleaned, or organized, or made ready for when Rowan wakes up, or for when his little sister gets here. Something needs to be cooked, or thawed. There's a list that needs to be made. Prayer letters need to be written, emails sent and students encouraged. Friends need to be caught up with, Bible studies need to be made, and events need to be planned. Even when I have time, I don't FEEL like I have time.

So how can I get the totally relaxed, 100% focused, coffee-shop-feel, time in Word without having to sneak an extra hour here and there when we happen to have a babysitter? Is it even possible? Am I destined to a life of falling asleep on top of my Bible, while I'm mentally making to-do lists and listening for the baby? I'm praying for help with this. Maybe it's just the season that I'm in.

There's definitely a life lesson in here somewhere. Now all I have to do is figure it out and learn it.

Scripture that has been on my heart like whoa

"James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes in the dispersion. Greetings.

Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing.

If anyone lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously to all without reproach and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith with no doubting. For the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord. He is a double-minded man unstable in all his ways.

Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass he will pass away. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass. It's flower falls and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits.

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial. For when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life which God has promised to those who love him.

Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own deisre. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

Do not be deceived my beloved brothers, every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth that we should a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

Know this my beloved brothers, let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore, put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. But be doers of the word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself, and goes away, and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no  hearer who forgets, but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction and to keep oneself unstained from the world."


God's words are so much better than mine.

Ahhh yes....

What I have learned today (again):

1. This world is temporary. God and the souls of men are not.

2. Remaining faithful during trials is a way to love God.

3. God does not tempt.

4. Temptation comes from the innate desires of our flesh.

5. This means that our flesh will naturally lead us to death (kind of depressing if you think about it - but exhilarating when you pair it with the hope promised in Jesus).

6. Every good thing comes from God.

7. God never changes.

Where I learned these things (again):

James 1:9-18

What I'm wondering:

1. How do you stop an innate desire from morphing into sin? Through submitting it to the Spirit? Daily dying to the flesh? Spiritual breathing?

2. What is it in us that is so prone to (ultimate) self-destruction?

What I want to know more about:

"Of His own will He brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of His creatures." (1:18)

God's Word has found me again today :) Thank you Lord. 

This is what I love :)

So, I think like the last five posts have been about decorating our home and being crafty (or rather, not being crafty in my case). However, the most satisfying and worthwhile aspect of my life has nothing to do with working on our home at all; although I'm finding I enjoy that much more than I thought I would! So, I thought I would share the MOST rewarding and, at times, the most frustrating area of my life (aside from Rowan and John) -- college ministry.

John and I started volunteering with Cru here in New Orleans about two years ago and we love it. Cru is an interdenominational Christian org. that focuses on reaching college students - or at least the branch WE work with focuses on reaching college students. God used this organization in such a huge way in our lives when we were in college, and there's no way we wanted to miss the opportunity to be used in the same way in the lives of others. It's hard work, and it feels like we're bumbling our way through a lot of it, but God is faithful, and He is good (that means He's been working in spite of us). :)

Here's a snippet from our latest prayer letter:

Our fall retreat this year was probably my favorite to date. Here’s why. It wasn’t because of the inspiring words of our speaker -- Stuart Dodds, the regional director for Athletes in Action; it wasn’t because of the original worship music played by our very own staff members and volunteers; it wasn’t even because of the peaceful get away that naturally accompanies a fall retreat. This was my favorite retreat by far because of the way that I saw God move.

With John unable to attend because of work, I was on my own with Rowan for the weekend. Now, I love my son, but an entire weekend of having him to myself, in a strange place, keeping strange hours, and desiring in the midst of that to be spending time building into students - well it was a challenge to say the least. However, what I did find was that in the midst of a sleepless night, or while having to escort a noisy 7-month-old out of a night-time meeting, the Lord burdened my heart to pray. And pray I did - for the retreat, for our students, for Stuart, for relationships to be made, and so on.  And not surprisingly, the Lord met me in such a real way during those times. He settled my frustrated heart and gave me joy in what I WAS able to do. The BEST part, though, is that he still provided some of the most uplifting and encouraging conversations that I’ve ever had with our staff and students. 

I had the opportunity to pick Stuart’s wife’s brain about how to balance being a full-time mother and wanting to do full-time ministry. I took a long walk with a sophomore from Tulane who openly shared her life with me and is now coming to our house for discipleship on a weekly basis (John is discipling her boyfriend too!). The Lord even used Rowan to start conversations with students who I normally wouldn’t have had the opportunity to talk to (who doesn’t love a baby?). 

All of this to say that while I felt frustrated with what I seemed unable to do, the Lord reminded me that He is able to accomplish infinitely more than I could ever hope. As my role on the team seems to be in constant baby-induced flux, the Lord has been gracious in providing awesome opportunities to feel purposeful and encouraged in how He is using us. Thank you so much for your prayers and support! I’m so blessed to be able to share this season of our lives with you!

Phew!

It is 5pm. I'm just getting a break in my day, which started at 3 this morning thanks to a leaky diaper. I am tired.

It's Monday. Supposedly the second day of ministry in my work week. But everything has been rescheduled due to my little Rowan.

Also, it's October. However, it's apparently difficult for me to get into the spirit of fall when it's 85 degrees outside. Is it possible to skip right to Christmas?

I hesitate to end my almost two-month blogging respite today since I feel the negativity seeping out of me like something from a bad horror movie. It's seriously a little scary, and I have a feeling it's going to infiltrate the entirety of this post. Awesome.

Insert dramatic sigh, tinged with french accent. Ahh but, so is life. Tiring, sporadic, flaky (that's probably me more than life) and sometimes draining. 

I promise I was going to try and think of something positive to say before the end of this, but baby has decided to wake up an hour early from his nap (for the second time today). Positivity will have to wait, along with my free time. Until then, here is a video that will hopefully leave you with a smile rather than a concern for my mental and spiritual health (Mom). Thank you God for making babies so cute. :)

Here Rowan teaches us how to fake smile for the camera. :)

Choosing sides

Which side am I on? I read this question in an Elizabeth Elliott devotional this morning. It came to her after reading Galatians 5:25

"If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit."

In other words, if the Spirit is our source of life, let's follow the course that the He sets out for us as opposed to going our own way. It's the Spirit's way vs. my way. Hence the question, which side am I on? 

Which makes me wonder, how do I know I'm walking by the Spirit, selecting the course of the Spirit daily? I could probably come up with some arbitrary checklist of ways that I could measure this, but I'm pretty sure having a daily nap time and consistent email checking would not be considered fruits of the Spirit. Fortunately, it's not left up to me - or anyone else for that matter. One needs only to continue reading in Galatians 5 to see what God considers walking by the Spirit. 

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

These are supposed to be prevalent in my life if and when I'm walking by the Spirit. Apparently I'm not walking by the Spirit very often. 

I read recently that marriage is like a mirror. The relationship reflects back to you who you really are. It makes sense; it's hard to hide anything about yourself from someone who lives with you, someone who shares a bed, not to mention a bathroom with you. In the most intimate relationship we have here on earth, it's hard to be someone we're not. John unfortunately gets the pleasure of seeing my ugly more than anyone else I know. 

That's why this was so challenging to me this morning. I know who I WANT to be, who I DESIRE to be. But what am I actually allowing to eek out of me on a daily basis? I'm pretty sure it's not the afore mentioned traits of holiness. More often than not, I could probably be better characterized by the second string of traits that Paul lists:

Sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger (um, hello!), rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, etc.

Now, while I haven't really partaken in any spell-casting or orgies as of late (unless you count the occasional Harry Potter quote - for spell-casting, not orgies), it's ridiculous to even try to claim an absence of anger or frustration, dissensions and divisions, even within (and probably especially within) my own marriage. Again, which side am I on??

This is nothing new. Nothing I haven't heard before. But it never fails to astonish me at how much I don't measure up to this standard of perfection. 

Thank God for Jesus, literally. 

I don't think walking by the Spirit was ever meant to be easy, but it was also never meant to be a solo journey. It's important to try and walk by the Spirit, but it's more important to know that He walks with us. So, today as I go about getting ready for the onslaught of activities this weekend, I'm going to try and remember these things: 

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

And when Rowan wakes up an hour early from his nap, and John comes home and plays Call of Duty when I know what he really should be doing is coming up with fun and creative conversation topics to discuss with me (I love you John), then I will look to my walking partner, remember that life is not all about me, and ask Him to help me look more like Jesus. 

After all, sandals and beards would be an interesting look for me.

Insert clever title

I was reading a friend's blog this morning and she had this video posted. I love it, so I am unceremoniously stealing it from her...thank you Rachel :) This was my parents' new favorite song when they came to visit. If you haven't heard it before, take a minute to listen to it. It's good because it's true. It IS the little things that send me into crazy mode -- even more so now that I'm a mommy. 

It's having Rowan spit up all over the place (literally all over the place - himself, me, the floor, the table - think the splash zone at Thunder Mountain) and then changing him, only to have him annihilate whatever I put on him as soon as I snap the last snap. It's having to cancel dinner dates because baby has a tummy ache and has now spit up in your hair which is actually not so bad because you haven't had time to wash it in a few days anyway. People have put weirder things in their hair. It's having him pass out, dead to the world, right before his last feeding for the day, struggling through 2 oz. of milk only to have him wake you up an hour after you've gone to bed.....and every 2 hours after that. Not to mention the fact that eating a hot meal from start to finish seems to be a thing of the past. There are so many things that I could be frustrated with, scratch that, that I AM frustrated with at any given point during my day (and let's not even talk about non-baby related topics - most of which involve New Orleans drivers).

But the bottom line is, I have way more to be joyful about if I allow myself. I don't always, and I'm pretty sure John can attest to that. It's so much easier to dwell on the negative than the positive. I don't want to be Suzy Sunshine all day and make people want throw things at me, but I DO think it's important to recognize the blessings right in front of my face - a healthy (although spitty) little boy, a husband who loves me exactly how I am and encourages me to be myself, family and friends who care enough to make the heck-a-long trip down here to visit with us, and a God that despite my failings and my tendencies toward the baby crazies is proud of me just because He made me.

I'm working on being closer to Him in this new stage of life. I'm unmotivated, tired, and really kind of lazy, but I miss Him and I desire Him (which is a blessing in and of itself, because that isn't always true). Oh I know He's there alright, and we've been in touch, but I miss hanging out with Him regularly. I need to be affected by Him again. I'm trying to get back in the routine of spending time with Him daily - concerted, intentional time. But I'm struggling with it. Any suggestions would be welcome....

Well, time to tackle the small Everest that has found its way into our laundry hamper. Lots to do today, so I'll try to stay motivated and joyful as I sing my way through our dirty dishes, making friends with the local vermin who will willingly pitch in and scrub away, happily whistling along as the pigeons wash our windows from the outside (for those of you who haven't seen Enchanted, this is how all housework is done in New Orleans).

And for those of you who decide you like Francesca Battistelli, here's another song that is equally good. Happy listening!